you called me at 4 in the morning to tell me that your toaster burnt your english muffin, and that you "fuckin hated that thing."
So i guess my mom went into the kitchen and asked me why i was making mac and cheese at 4 in the morning and apparently i yelled at her to "get the fuck back bitch you don't know my life"
You lit the bowl with a rolled up paper towel that you ignited on the stove.
Woke up at 4:30am to my little brother shaking me. Apparently I fell asleep naked on my kitchen table waiting for the toaster to pop. 2 years of college completed and i still havent learned my drinking limit...
she named my penis "gigantor the baby arm"
I stopped in the middle of puking to wish you a happy birthday, so by default it means a lot.
You were in subway at 3am showing everyone your tan lines
So it took me 20 minutes to figure out that this is the wrong blind date. I'm going to go with it, he's cute and at least it's free beer.
I just had sex over my oven then high fived the guy. It's going to be a good year.
I thought he was having it in Athens. Alright. Have fun. Please save my dignity and refrain from talking about my boobs and sexual "abilities". If I have any. I just feel like they are going to ask. Repeat after me. And repeat it 5 more times. This is going to be the phrase you're going to rely on tonight: "I can neither deny or confirm such actions."
Life Goals: never under any circumstances, pee in an elevator again. No matter how drunk
he told me "apparently my gag reflex doesn't work so if you magically grew a penis I would deep throat you"
I think if wine wasn't a thing I'd give up on life.
Just killed a snake in my bed! And by killed I mean hit repeatedly with my fist. And by snake I mean a lump in the covers. And I pissed my pants.
I'm literally in my bed still trying to find the energy to take my corset off so I can binge eat oreos
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