Just heard someone use the phrase "slut mustard" in a sentence. Win.
Walked in on my boss having phone sex at work... and somehow this didnt bother nor embaress him
If he's dead I'm so gonna get the blame. I have his passport, keys and his tooth in my purse.
Convinced the domino's pizza delivery person to go to shaws and buy me a bottle of wild turkey. For america.
When we do our power hour over Skype I'm just going to sit on the toilet so that way I won't have to get up in the middle of it and miss any shots
You were a path of destruction, you started with eating half the cake, proceeded by throwing the rest in the sink and dumping water all over it while laughing... then throwing the drunk helmet across the room yelling that you didnt want to wear it... i'd say it was a successful birthday.
My fall semester strategy is to submit my papers with a nude selfie
You've got post-grad studies written all over you
Oh and Dustin informs me I'm a legend amongst the freshman, if you were wondering about my street cred
did you just try to prove your straightness by quoting a lady gaga song?
My sensibilities as a lady demand we cuddle on the couch, and THEN have loud, raunchy sex. Idk, what do you want to do?
I'm glad I didn't see Grandma stumbling drunk and peeing herself...it would be like seeing my future.
Well when you come back we can have a huge bitch fit...or get really drunk....whichever comes first
on a scale from 1 to "can't put a toothbrush in your mouth without gagging" how hungover are you?
At least they took the pillow of my bed before they had sex. My friends are so polite.
ok, muffins say "love me", waffles say "fuck me", got it.
Randomize
