How does, "Im sorry I was such an intoxicated bitch, I didn't mean anything I said" sound as an apology.
I'm reducing my diet to vodka and rice cakes.
I just took a shit in a BP station. It seemed appropriate since they are shtting in our ocean.
SHE has hooked up with both me and my sister. I don't even know what to say. If she goes for my parents next I may have to kill her
it's great music for shaving your balls
I have a gash on my leg an a lobster leg in my purse.
And then I passed out in my towel and was woken up by my roommate introducing me to her trick for the night.
She just rubbed her face up and down my six pack cooing. Equal measure of weird and hot.
had a dream that i inhaled my pet bird and started choking. Then I tried smoking from a bong and suddenly I smoked myself inside out. this is what happens when I don't smoke weed. my brain can't function!
I have experienced an excessively hairy ballsack in my mouth...and it was horrifying. I keep feeling it in my mouth now. It's like hairy ball PTSD.
Forever getting my life back together in gas station bathrooms.
just ran into my drill sergeant from basic 4 years ago. gonna take him home and have him fuck me at the cadence of quick time.
A shark bit my leg in the Gulf of Mexico well me and the T were banging so look for it in the papers
I just realized. I havent even gotten a paycheck from this new job yet and already laid one of the girls most of the dudes are after
Turns out the guy I did all that coke with the other night is a cop
We're dating now
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