I skipped work to stalk him.
you threw up out the window, wiped your face with a twenty dollar bill, and threw that out the window too.
did we at least go back and get it?
how else do you think we got jack in the box...?
I have been sober for so long that I miss hangovers... what is happening to this summer?
she sent me pictures of 3 different vaginas and if I could pick which one was hers i could sleep with her.
I was always good at matching as a child.
I cant shower it involves moving...
Just lay there and turn the water on. At least rinse off the shame.
I feel like our low point of the night was when we had to start chasing with ice cubes and wheat thins.
Guess who won a bet and gets to name it Optimus prime if it's a boy
Nevermind. Totally worth it.
So. How about you can get tequila certified...
I survive off of bourbon and the tears of others only
Just got a 15 minute lecture from a drag queen about how bisexuality doesn't exist. Cher would be so disappointed in her.
You had to dry your pants with the hand dryer in the bathroom because you "forgot to take it out."
There's no button for "gave my boyfriend's cock to a friend" on my intimacy calendar.
We're gonna have to check the security cameras after last night
It's a shame things ended how they did. We were well on our way to transforming from acquaintances with benefits to friends with benefits.
If he ever pulls my hair again, I'm going to conveniently have lock jaw. Then he can decide whether pain during sex is still fucking appealing.
Randomize
