I was looking through my facebook friends list to see how many ppl on the list i've hooked up with, and was effectively reminded of my failed friendships, relationships, fuck budy-ships, friends with benefits, and "i cant remember if i ever did shit with him but we're awkward now" ships.
shit pants at work. discarded underwear.
just showed this text to the guy at west elm. luckily we did not stool ourselves in the midst of the ensuing hilarity. so you're commando now?
yep! most awkward part is that i was a few feet away from a client, talking and looking him in the eye. i've never stooled while looking someone directly in the eye.
if i get an abortion, then will you go out with me?
I wish you wouldn't refer to your breast milk as "ammunition"
Maybe we should try and tone it down a notch. The neighbors changed the name of their wifi network to "i can hear you having sex".
so apparently dipping a tampon in red gatorade and throwing it out the window on the highway is a $100 fine
And I feel bad.
Because we're having a serious discussion about our sex life and you're playing minecraft?
We got kicked out of Walmart for playing cod with squirt guns of course it was better then prom.
He passed out again after sex. I've hidden all his clothes. There's no way he is sneaking out in the morning this time!
The fuck-me-pumps were hot, the XL hoody kinda ruined it.
I just had the weirdest moment. Made eye contact at the bar with a girl who has seen my vagina.
You think he will forgive me for the paper being a week late if I bring him a beer?
...it's a 9am class...
I'm sun burnt so instead of getting drunk and trying to sleep with you, how about we get naked and you scratch my body and rub lotion on me while I rub one out?
I'm pretty happy on the couch eating Popeyes and watching Cops so if I go over there you better have drugs left
That ass isn’t going to eat itself.
Randomize
