she had the hairiest bush ive ever seen. it looked like a spoiled head of lettuce.
Ever since I got married, I've become the MacGuyver of masturbation
No, dude. Even Jesus hates Creed.
He snuck into some random hotel's continental breakfast at 3 AM and then passed out on a bench in the lobby. When the cops found him they made him empty out his pockets. No phone, no ID just muffins.
My mom just walked in on me and my girlfriend about to have sex. All she said was "You're lookin like a fool with your pants on the ground.."
i would hope so, cause i don't think 'i drove off the road because i was getting some head' is covered in insurance
After he came inside me, he made us hold hands and pray that I wasn't pregnant.
Only way we know if he truly fits in is if we spill straight vodka on the floor and his first instinctnis to lick it up. Otherwise, gameover.
sorry about having a shotput competition with your microwave, seemed like a good idea at the time
You're in a tuxedo, you can pee wherever you want.
I don't remember where I was but I remembered that I hated everyone there
You left a motherfucking bruise. ON MY TIT. How? How do you even. No.
and then at some point during the night I ended up holding a baby
Why was a baby at a karaoke bar, and were you wasted?
only slightly. thats not the point. it was a cute baby.
Well someone is clearly not winning the parent of the year award here
Grateful to be alive soliciting dick pics. Thankful i'm alive for these little things and especially these big ones too.
Enjoy your early 30’s! You’re still young enough to catch a twenty something that can fuck 4 times a day, hot enough to date forty year old penises that can last long enough to give you multiple orgasms
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