I just don't have the heart to tell my mom you peed in our washer machine last night.
is there a legit reason for the weird voicemail I got at 2:14am?all I could make out was 'help me' 'two hours' and 'toilet butt'. wtf did u drink.
and when he finished he handed me a baby wipe so i could clean up. i'm ok with the fact that he has kids, but not sure how to react to this.
she was in the bathroom washing her eye makeup off with hand sanitizer.
you cant just puke in an arbys and not order food. thatd be rude.
I wore granny panties last night to ensure I didn't sleep with him. He said they made me seem more mature. I need a new plan
Celebrating anything "Eve" is never a good choice! I feel like my soul's been put in a blender on the "destroy" setting- in other news: Happy 4th of July
2nd year in a row being a arrested before school starts...tradition at its finest
Like an undercooked grilled cheese that got cold again. But hairy.
And there goes my desire for sandwiches. Forever.
Sounds like she has 4 first names. Like a sad version of Ricky bobby
Will keep you updated on the sexual orientation of my new guy
my sex drive just dried up, fell out, and is rolling on the floor somewhere.
I yelled at the cab driver to slow down because my unborn children live here, and pointed to my uterus. I think my message was lost in translation though because he immediately offered me his card...
Okay, since we're going to be living together and I'm obviously better than you at everything, I have one single simple rule that I want you to follow: DO. NOT. FUCK WITH ME.
I just brought her a lipstick taser. So just remember that the next time you get smart with her
Randomize
