I should have bought two bottles, she left before I could feel her tits...
i want you to feel like i'm letting you into my heart, not just my vagina.
Found moms dildo in drawer while looking for socks, and its wet
Whyyyyy do my fingers smell like Chinese food.
i just did my hair and make up to walk our dogs.. I hate being the single roommate
how convenient is it that the kid i'm fucking lives right next to planned parenthood?
Do you remember that blonde girl he brought home from the bar on Friday night? She didn't leave until Monday afternoon. We didn't even know she was still in his room...what a sketchy weekend.
Just saw out breathalyzer tubes from last night on the side of the road. Glad the cop let us know that they are biodegradable
I just melted my phone trying to make cookies. I think that's a sign.
Oh please not the Easy Cheese again. That was weird.
Just remember that I named his dick Robo-cock before he got into the sheriff's department.
holy shit the woman im hooking up with is closer to my moms age than my own
I may have taken the entire adderall. I FEEL LIKE THE FUCKIN HULK. I can't stop cleaning and organizing and doing the clean things
I parked in the SAE Fraternity lot and left a note that said if you don't tow me you will all get a blowjob.
snapping my married booty call and next thing I know a plan b ad pops up
Randomize
