omg this kid i'm babysitting is making a penis out of playdough ahhhh.
He just rolled me a 'baby penis' as opposed to his 'big boy' penis that he crafted...he just demanded that I roll him a penis.
Is this going to be a big send off or a somber occasion? Just need to know if I should start drinking on the train or not.
So two questions...why am I covered in muffins and are there pictures of this.
Life is so much better when you know you're gonna get laid soon.
he's got a countert top full of yard sale blenders so id say maragita wednesdays is a go.
I had to help you off the toilet floor because you couldn't get up, then you threw your drink on the floor and just said "oh dear" really calmly.
Walked back to my room from the bus last night and all I see is 3 of my friends on the porch chugging whiskey and then throwing up in unison
I went to the bathroom, came back, and my friend was sleeping leaning up against the stripper pole.
I mean technically the bite was both in my nose and on the outside of it. I thought I was going to need stitches or something.
Why was his mouth around your nose anyways?
It was just one of those nights, man.
We're living together and you don't know if I've seen Titanic?!
I'm not taking advice from anyone I've seen passed out naked at noon on the hood of a strangers car. Meaning you.
Netflix keeps asking me if I'm still watching just because I've been sitting here all afternoon...why do I feel like my tv is judging my life choices?
Can we do lunch at 3? I have a blowjob scheduled for 2.
You schedule blowjobs?
Last night you dunked donut holes in spinach dip, ate it, threw up, and continued eating. I cant keep up with your drunk eating skills.
I was wondering where the donuts went.
I’m going to fail his daughter so she stays in my class and I can keep fucking him. BEST. ORGASMS. EVER.
Then you can teach the kid to be a home wrecker
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