oh jesus shes a lukewarm mess
Di me a solid and hit me with your car.
I've decided to sign up for a porn membership, but it's 10:30 and I'm going to wait an hour an a half because I don't want to waste a whole day of my month long membership. Fuck this economy.
I'm having a chugging contest on the streetcar. The driver is judging.
Plus someone just passed me a joint through the window. BEST STREETCAR RIDE EVER
just puked in a purse in the store. some girl asked if i was gonna buy it now and i laughed and asked her why id want a bag some dude just puked in. her face looked like she saw the devil.
All the girls at the party had American flag thongs on... Pretty impressed with coordination seeing as how impromptu this event was
Notice: I will be intoxicated and in your area this evening. To unsubscribe from my sexual solicitation list, reply 'fuck off'.
When I don't want to forget things I put them on my cigs.
C smoking isn't all bad
I'm sports announcer narrating myself making a sandwich. Your weed wins.
i just want to attach a dildo to the ceiling and ride it like a gay spiderman.
I just passed a truck with its bed lined with a tarp and filled with water with six dudes chilling in the back driving through campus. That looks fun.
Ten minute nap on a staircase honey badger don't care
I love you. Mom got to wasted at the wedding that she threw up on my shirt.
We were escorted through the guys dorm by 5 kids with nerf guns and zelda shields. I felt like the president with a fucked up secret service squad.
He just yells "mush!" as they're having sex.
I feel like the first time i have to use my accident insurance its going to be in some sex mishap with you.
Randomize
