hook me up with the drugs dog keep up the good work
I ishhh haha are u coming nack easyer?
the fact that I know you're asking me if I'm coming home for easter makes me believe I speak fluent vodka.
you kept insisting that i was jake gyllenhaal and you were heath ledger.
I just ate a fried snickers. I now officially accept all fat jokes
It's kind of hard to say bye to you when you fall asleep on the bar..
its not you its me. and by that i mean i am more interested in having random one night stands with random hot girls then having the same normal sex with u.
Hows the party lookin?
At a live sex show right now. Not sure about the employee party
I feel like he has a double life, why was he walking around at 3 am with a backpack?
Vibrator fell off the top of the dresser and hit me. This might be the most embarrassing black eye incident ever
He described his sex dream about me using only emojis
I'm surprised this is your first encounter with pepper spray. surprised, and somewhat proud.
I remember walking into a bathroom stall that had a couple fucking in it and giving them a condom and a thumbs up and then leaving
How do you explain to your mom that you let your friend stab you in the leg while drunk and high on coke?
THERE ARE LEGITLY 4 SEPARATE BITE MARKS ON MY DICK. WHAT. THE. FUCK.
Legitimately*
Go fuck yourself
Yelled "don't taze me bro" as the police officer tazed me. Cross it off the list.
Randomize
