So I went home with some chick last night... I'm not sue what's worse: not getting a nut at 5am, the condom breaking and not being replaced, feeling poo when I put my finger in her but, sleeping on a heroin mattress in her living room, her swine flu coughing fit at 7am or realizing she peed the matt at 10am. Actually it was probably the fact that she continuously told me she was the classiest girl in boulder.
I sometimes wonder how many of the girls I know have done anal...and why none of them have ever dated me.
Your mom has a birthmark right next to her nipple
did you violate me with a mr sketch marker when i passed out? i just peed and wiped purple and it smelled like grape. i need to get to the bottom of this...
im trying to pick out the cookie crumbs from my adderall. it is a lot harder than it seems.
STOP SENDING ME DANCING JESUS FORWARDS.
your philanthropy is ruining my sex life.
I was having trouble getting it up so she grabbed it and said "no, it's too big to fail"
One huge ass giant mistake followed by celebatory shots and coors lights thats my day in a nut shell
max decided it would be a good idea to run down the hall and smack down the exit sign. now we are sitting in the emergency room, and he is wearing the sign as a bracelet
I smell like icyhot and vodka... Heres to my pulled tendon.
she cut her forehead open playing a drunken game of pin the tail on the donkey and now she's having a panic attack.
My mom comes home from her weekend with her lesbian co-workers and asks "You wanna know how I got these bruises?" I've never been more torn about anything EVER.
I ACCIDENTALLY HOOKED UP WITH A GUY WHO HAS A NICHOLAS CAGE POSTER ABOVE HIS BED I CANT HANDLE LIFE.
The universe is either telling you 1. you make terrible decisions or 2. its time to let go of your hatred of Cage.
Video footage says last night I reincarnated as stripper Shania Twain... Man, I feel like a (slutty) woman.
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