I am about to be in my happy place. (the shower with a 6 pack)
too bad being hungover isnt a job. just threw up from 9am to 5pm
I've only been here for an hour and I've already made 6 babies cry.
Happy Birthday
for me the strap perfect is like a chastity belt
she said she was gay. i said prove it. she said "ok i wont fuck you"
I'm soaked in champagne. I'm eating oatmeal from mcdonalds tonight was glorious
We aren't really supposed to respect our bodies til our mid twenties.
It's just not a Friday night unless I'm getting propositioned by a guy in a wheelchair via Facebook messenger...
Goldenshlager is a hell of a drink. And these are the adventures ur missing out on w me. I gave someone a bath Emily. A BATH.
Awkward
Can't say I wouldn't let it happen again.
Let me tell you how my drug dealer wants me to take his girlfriends little sister to jr prom
My booty call is in the theater watching Deadpool right now. Never though comics would work against me.
First contact since we had sex and it's to get my HBO password. I sure pick winners huh
Seriously, you just banged the guy that wishes his dog happy birthday on fb. That's fucking adorable!
I keep finding granola in my bed. This is what I get for sleeping with a guy from Oregon.
What the hell did you do last night?
I embarrassed myself, my family, name, and possibly my country.
Randomize
