Ok seriously, can we bring back badminton?
put your party hat on. and by party hat I mean no panties
WOAH SHIT! That wasn't my girlfriend last night.
Drunk in a bar in Texas. The 24 y/o hottie I am chatting up just called me a male cougar. I am dealing with this whole turning 40 thing juuuust fine.
I picked my nose. Flicked it. I heard it hit something. Next thing I know, it's floating around in my wine glass.
The voicemail says i shouldn't bother ever showing my face there again, i don't understand
We visited your boss last night. guess you wont be paying the rent this month, eh?
I have absolutely nothing sober to say to you.
So my ex just cheated on her current bf w/me and now there's a car coming to take me to Vegas... Is this really my Thursday night?
I hate you.
I needed a test subject that didn't know any of my friends so that if i screwed up no one would really know or spread rumours about how it was the worst bj ever
I may be in the process of acquiring a second male fuck buddy and dating a girl....FUCKING STOP THE TRAIN I'M ON! THIS IS NOT A DRILL!!
IT'S LINGERIE PURCHASED FROM A FLEA MARKET, THE ONLY THING IT'S GOING TO BE POSITIVE FOR IS A TEST FOR HIV
Telling someone to make good decisions on a Thursday is like telling Santa to be Jewish.
i think ive crossed the line from sexually frustrated to sexually furious
Its really hard to take a shit when the dog wont stop trying to crawl into your lap
My vagina is the only part of me that is pleased you lived through last night.
Randomize
