I think the waitress doesn't beleive I have friends coming. I've had 4 drinks and a large salad just waiting for you guys.
Best idea ever: Giving hobos a beer and having a chugging contest to win another beer. Most fun I have had downtown in a while.
You wouldn't let me clean the puke off your face because I'd mess up your cat whiskers. Now that's dedication.
Well, I just hope you know I had your best interests at heart when I put your sandwich down my pants.
Today I met the neighbor that shares my bedroom wall. When I pointed out my unit, he said, "Oh, that's you? Oh... that's you." I didn't think much of it until I was in bed tonight and I heard him clear his throat. He's. Heard. Everything.
I'm pricing out a roll of that wax butcher paper. We fuck too messy and I can't afford to wash them every afternoon.
I am trying to take a picture of a man in a wheelchair trying to ship a michael jackson portrait
i want to live in a society where a 20 year old can wear pigtails and not get them called handlebars, because i look fucking adorable in them.
Naked snow angels was a very bad idea. My vag is now frozen shut.
I can't wait to get home and brush the fuck outta my teeth.
Literally.
he left a full can of coors light underneath my windshield wiper, like a love note. if that's not husband material, i don't know what is
I appreciate the I'll come bail you out of jail tone in the text
I feel like I shouldn't be encouraging my friends to hook up with their teachers.....but if it's for academic reasons....then I definitely encourage it.
I'd have to have a ring. Like I don't want to be called "the ex girlfriend that shit on me"
Its mothers day... Can my present be an orgasm...for once?
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