Just made out with a pet sitter. His biz card says "even hamsters". Lowest point in my life.
my dad told me i had to spend my money wisely..so i spent the money he gave me for a desk chair on weed. ill be so high i wont even notice its gone
Only you could manage to look like a complete slut while wearing a turtle neck.
i just sold back the books i vomitted on
There's a hand-carved wooden bong in my backpack, and i really wish i could remember last night now.
I figured, if I'm going to wear a gold cape its pretty safe to assume I'll be blacking out as well.
Do you relize what downtown will be like this week? Like open season. But instead of deer its hot baseball players from all over the country that we'll never have to see again. I swear the college world series is a gift from god.
The bartender cut me off so I peed in the corner. How no one noticed I have no idea.
Me either. I want to get 'chase a stray cat through the neighborhood in my hooker heels' drunk. And it's your birthday, so you have to get 'best friend holding your hair while you puke in the bar bathroom and cry about your life' drunk. In a feather boa.
I'm pretty sure my lung is caught on my rib. And I can't feel the left side of my face. Best. Sex. Ever.
I opened my eyes this morning, looked at the sunlight and made this hangover my bitch.
I just burped smoke on the bus. Hello 6:48am
Trimming my pubes at 1 AM, drunk, listening to Stevie Ray Vaughn. What has become of me.
Jesus christ stop updating me about every aspect of your life.
I met my future wife last night. She's a bombshell from Delaware, hates Trump, and humiliated two old men in a GOP healthcare debate while simultaneously convincing them to pick up both of our bar tabs.
Your Saturday night was spent at the opera, mine was spent exchanging naked pics with a hot middle aged man that is so ripped that he looks like he's photoshopped. This is why we're blood sisters. We balance each other out.
I hate you so hard.
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