can you have the cops turn on the gps locator on my phone...i just woke up in a Hooters uniform and I have no idea where I am...
i just spit dirty mouth water on my dentist. and apparently grinning sheepishly and saying "my b" doesn't make it better
what if the hokey pokey really is what its all about?
Sometimes i look at the biltmore estate and wonder just how small George Vanderbilt's penis was...
Just whacked off in the middle of writing a paper, gave me great ideas. Note, should do this more often.
You probably don't remember this but last night I bought you a lap dance from a stripper that had nipples that looked like runny eggs....you're welcome.
Please rescue me. but take your time, im getting pizza
The novelty of Nekkid Straight Roommate has faded.
Dedication to a hook up: I had to recruit five people at the train station to help me buy a ticket from a kiosk and get on the right train in 15 minutes because I discovered that my car was stolen.
This was like angel cum on the bread of life filled with the nectar of the gods
He sent me nudes and then a text asking if I tried the new Cantina Bowl from Taco Bell. He sure does romance right, doesn't he?
I just wanna get high and take a fucking awesome nap. Those are my goals for the week.
You wrapped yourself in tin-foil and told us you were Iron Man. I have pictures.
they were drunk. and loud. and now they're drunk and quiet. or dead, you never know.
Got upgraded to First Class and now I’ve got the whole Pacific Ocean to seduce the very hot gentleman sitting next to me!!! Door closing, wish me luck!
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