I think I am morally bankrupt
I totally give up. Optimus Prime just fell from the top of the Great Pyramid into the hypostyle hall at Karnak.
Why did I wake up this morning with 10 tally marks on my hand and a penis drawn on my tits?
Why did that cocktail waitress get to sleep with Tiger for 2 years, and all I ever got for living in Whorelando for five years is a couple of pictures with Joey Fatone
Close your eyes and stop texting and think about puppies. You'll be fine.
Only catch is you have to sleep in the same bed as me. But no worries, I plan on being in a random guys hotel room every night. So it's essentially yours.
Please high five our old drug dealer for me please.
Roommate just came in drunk and tweaked out because my tv has a DVD player built in. Waaaaaayyyy too sober for that conversation.
I feel like I got run over by a bus full of inebriated Scotsmen on the way to a soccer riot.
Dear me: Drinking & crying tonight, my place, 9pm sharp. Love, your life
Hooked up with an ex Playgirl model. I feel like the universe just high-fived me for staying sober.
just creeped your profile pictures and you should feel satisfied in knowing that you had great eyebrows even before people started drawing them on
Yesterday I went home with one shoe, today I go home with three. Fucking win.
The underwear in the garbage is clean. Just wipe the pizza sauce off
Try sleeping with him.
Why is it that all my gay friends have that solution...
Cuz you will have an answer or have sex.
Randomize
