the highlight of my day was when my dad called me when I was watching porn and I muted it instead of pausing it.
i love that we sang a whole new world together while you carried me through campus
i couldnt tell she was wearing a bumpit until she started giving me head
She called me Jeff during sex, I just kept going like nothing happened. To think, if I was a woman that would be a problem.
i take my contacts out every time we fuck so i cant see all the stretch marks
Need help. Super baked. Stuck on couch. Dying of thirst. Bring paint thinner or something to pry me off. Only thumbs and neck work.
Think I just saw your homeless guy on High Street. Did you give him back his crutch?
I did, I'm just saying. Once the drinking starts my nipples are no longer my control.
Mystery solved. Def had ice creme last night. There is a melted half eaten ice creme bar next to the bed. Which had melted onto my pillow. That explains why it was in my hair too. Im a fucking sherlock holmes over here.
Two things: Why did I wake up in a pool of blood? And am I still invited to the wedding?
No idea. And yes be here at 4
Ok well hopefully you're not staging an intervention for me at your place because I'm bringing beers
Are you up yet? I really want to know if i tried sleeping in a field... i have the vaguest memory of trying to
I just accepted my offer to work as a camp counselor over the phone between shots of Fireball. This is going well for me so far.
He actually said the words 'I miss you' followed by 'I wanna have sex with your face'. I'd say that's a win.
I just left a 3 minute voicemail to the guy I want to fuck baby talking my cats and I don't know if I can delete it 😐
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