yesterday i saw a blind man guiding himself into a NYC tour bus... and i thought i waste money
Just used the D.E.N.N.I.S system successfully.
When you're opening a bottle of tequila with a golf club, it's probably time to stop drinking...
if we dont hook up this weekend, im doing both his roommates
I went golfing for the first time today!! Aren't you proud?
Driving a golf cart around all day with a keg attatched to the back doesn't exactly count as golfing
Within 5 minutes of max walking in his pants were off and he was wearing my snow goggles as underwear.
She kept saying the tortilla understood her. I honestly don't know where she found a tortilla at the pool.
Just saw the guy with the plastic bag on his head riding his bike again...
I have a callous on the palm of my hand just below my ring finger that is entirely from opening so many beer bottles. I'm strangely proud right now.
We are both federal employees and Obama gave us a four-day weekend to lie in bed. Do you know how many orgasms that will be? I knew there was a reason I voted for this guy.
Boss out of town. Had 2 beers for lunch, a long walk and a bowl...and then in he comes. Blamed obvious intoxication on my pain meds. Back at the bar. This is one of those bad judgement days.
I bought something for you today. You'll love it.
What is it? Drugs?
I just threw up into a baby carriage. There was a baby in it.
A stripper choked me last night. Then I choked her. Now we're going on a date this Saturday.
TURNS OUT they were both cheating. Like the Gift of the Magi except for shitty people
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