I did something stupid with eggs call me when you get up. Cops were also involved.
I asked him where the store BJ's was and he unzipped his pants.
Just left some random in my bed to go get mcdonalds breakfast. I'd say my priorities are on point.
I'm drunk on a monday night. Not a good start to finals week
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
My mom ate salad out of the vodka bowl
Update: I may or may not be in a cult
Update #2: I may or may not be the leader of said cult
It was at the same house, but a different party, when lesbians set me on fire. So there's that.
THIS IS WHY I WENT TO SCHOOL FOR TO BE A COSMETOLOGIST TO HELP MY EX BOYFRIENDS CURRENT GIRLFRIEND BE MILDLY ATTRACTIVE... Everything DOES happen for a reason
You held an empty wine bottle to your head and declared yourself the "wine unicorn." For the rest of the night you galloped everywhere and whenever anyone refused to be a wine unicorn with you, you tried to spear them with the bottle.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I showed my cat the amount of coke I had. She looked concerned.
I cried while dry heaving in the back of the car to the New York song with jay z in it. I was singing it inbetween gags.
Just did. I played that shit out so casual I deserve an Oscar. Or am Emmy, or whatever the fuck you get for acting like a boss
Putting a bow on your dick doesn't make it a real present
Like either my tits got bigger or I've succumbed to Trumps tiny hand syndrome
Drinking and decided to streak in the apartment fountain. Canadian goose shit and sharp rocks on the bottom. I sobered up quick. That was a very bad idea.
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