Pick my eyebrow is burning. I'm sitting in the back of dolows vat and listening to jolly music and wilfgang is signing and looking food. Cute kid. Home is where I go now.
what. the. fuck.
i flashed his best friends last night
you always were good at making good first impressions
I joined a mariachi band. they gave me a guitar because i told them i could play. It actually turned out ok
They kicked me out of the mariachi band. Turns out I'm not that good
And there I was, sitting Indian style on the kitchen floor, my fingers covered in peanut butter.
Shame tastes like burnetts and latex
I think my whole family judged my ability to change under a blanket.
In a moving vehicle and other people in the car
I'm a gymnast. they should know better than to let me get dunk near anything i can flip on
If you make 120 dollars and I walk instd of drive and don't eat or smoke this week we can pay rent
I am in the bathroom at work, pooing while eating pretzels. Hungover Fridays are in full effect
I think I ingested my vampire fangs last night.
A guy with a mustache poured a beer down your throat while you had a crippled boy named Sunshine riding your back
he can get married early and ruin his life but he sure as hell isn't ruining mine with a shitty bachelor party
Can't decide if it was more awkward buying sheets together or disposing of them afterwards
It took me longer to finish the bottle of scotch we bought together on New Years than it did for her to meet a new guy and get engaged
Get here now. There’s a guy dressed as Captain Morgan handing out miniature bottles of Captain Morgan.
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