I passed out in the cab. Woke up to the cabby yelling SIR SIR WE ARE AT THE TRAIN STATION!! SIRRRR!!
john hughes is dead. crushing any and all dreams of me ever being in an 80's john hughes film. bummer.
He was passed out on the floor holding a beer can, rolled over switched hands and never spilled a drop. We need to practice.
What was your penis's nickname in high school? Also, what was it's theme song?
he grabbed my head and said "you are a horse. I am leading you to water" pushed it down and whispered "Drink."
I stole so many things from the ER last night.
There was an Altoids can full of urine in the bathroom. I do not want to know what was going on in there.
He brought wine and beer. I'll put my pants on for wine and beer.
Someone younger than me just got married. Send help and vodka
barely 48 hours and I've done the dirty on both of my roommates beds before they've even slept in them
I mean, you've seen me eat pizza, sober, out of a garbage can, and yet I refuse to go eat at that place. Just sayin....
I just gave him road head. He came in the Taco Bell drive thru which seems pretty typical for my life.
Okay so it turns out that my bf keeps a log of every time I sleep-fart. It's dated back to 2013.
VIVE LA RESISTANCE
Oh god, what now?
My boss's toddler just went through my bag and found your vibrator...you owe me a drink.
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