Remember that time i walked in on your friend taking a huge shit?
Remember that time you hooked up with him?
38 yer olds are good kisserssss
I can't wait to see her breast feed this thing
I made the bartender pinky promise me there was still vodka in my drinks.
well the first picture of me in 2011 involves a viking helmet and chugging champagne. i like this year already.
Can an epipen be used as a tranquilizer ?
The cabbie told me fat girls shouldn't wear tight clothes, and that he feels bad for the guys that have to be underneath them, especially because their positions are "very limited" and proceeded to ask me if I had a trash can and if I could throw something away for him. Don't worry though, he promised it wasn't anything "bad". He then handed me a tied up grocery bag with a bunch of wadded up Kleenex that weighed about 3 pounds. To answer your question, yes I made it home. Fml
I can't let him end my perfect streak. HE USED TO BE FAT
If they could bottle a hangover it would taste exactly like lemon lime Gatorade and failed hopes and dreams
The best thing about this time of year is that all I have to do is add a random mardi gras decoration to my cart full of alcohol and boom, no more judging
I left the office with a vacuum, 2 condoms and 300 dollars cash money. Tell me I don't have the most versatile job on the planet.
What's the best way to tell a guy he can call me when his impending divorce is finalized?
This was the first funeral I've ever attended where I had to pee behind a bush cuz someone was passed-out drunk in the locked bathroom. Steve would have been proud.
Bitch got stabbed in the eye. With a fork. Wait for it... At church. I was the only one at a party interested in her story. Only in the south
is it still the walk of shame if his dad gave me a 'thanks for sleeping with my son' head nod on my way out this morning?
Randomize
