All I want for christmas is my sobriety back.
i wish i could, but i promised myself i wouldn't sleep with anyone who couldn't grow a beard for a while. it's not you, it's crosby.
That's the last time we joust in Radio Flyer wagons after margarita night.
Wow, I just sneezed gum out of my nose. Wonder how long that's been up there.
Changed my mind. Wearing a dress. Casual, with a side of breasts.
I'll sleep on the bed... The couch is now designated banging area. Any banging performed outside of that area will be subject to fines of cleaning up stains.
I realised my life had gone downhill since being unemployed when I was making key lime pie on acid at 3am Tuesday morning.
I traded the garbage men the rest of my handle for a ride home. Best. Walk. Of. Shame. Ever.
I feel like our low point of the night was when we had to start chasing with ice cubes and wheat thins.
We knew it was a good time to leave when you spilt the salsa on the ground and were trying to put it back in the jar with your hands
There was booze on his face and I wanted it. I'm not sorry.
I think you'll be amused to know that I achieved the impossible feat of tripping over my own dick
Dude you better come get your girl, she's sitting here eating a tub of pasta salad muttering to herself about gypsies.
So I'll be starting a scrapbook from all the mugshots of the guys I've slept with
I want my tombstone to read "making poor life decisions since 1993"
Randomize
