he has been on a 2 week bender, has been homeless for a week and a half, and leaves for madagascar in 2 days. Do we worry or is that normal?
Did I show you my penis last night?
Saying we were separated at birth, got on a ship and sailed here via onion barrel from Somalia didn't help our case at all....
I swear I only do things like fuck 19 yr olds just to hear how you laugh when I tell you.
Dude. Zebras have bad attitudes.
All I want is to send a text that says "i slept with someone while wearing nothing but purple argyle socks this weekend." But the only person i would send that to is you. But you already know. Because they were your socks.
Just found my socks folded and in the back pocket of my jeans. Apparently drunk me refuses to lose shit after the panties incident over New Years.
Just at the gym drinking. We call it treadmillcolada
I've been called an asshole for a lot of things in my life, but I never thought it would be because of potatoes
I was on antibiotics for a bladder infection and couldn't drink and you told me there was no longer room in your life for me.
I HAVE A FLAME THROWER. COME SEE IT. IT’S SAFE AND WORKS.
I swear if you help me with this I will eat you out and buy you all the Taco Bell you want.
I seriously just had to blow dry my thong.
I’m photoshopping my boobs to up my Tinder game. I need better dick in 2020
Stand and applaud for me. I have successfully masturbated in a Walmart changing room with the door wide open during normal business hours. I lead a very Charmed Life.
Randomize
