Unfortunately, they didn't pull of their wake and bake plans. Instead, they waked and vomited like a half-retarded giraffe till everyone woke up.
i want to give my vagina back to god and say no thank you
once again, we need to groom him to be a better human being. using liquor and tits.
being pregnant is like rehab
She just texted me that she's horny, then started quoted random music, then telling me everything she regrets. I don't think there's enough tequila in the world for me to deal with her...
If I was gonna be at your campus for halloween weekend, I'd dress up as the masked horny fairy and give out condoms. I'm so thoughtful.
he told me it was nice to see me not blacked out mumbling to myself in the front seat, I told him it was nice to see him not in handcuffs.
My boobs looked so good under the black light I saw a girl physically cover her boyfriend's eyes.
He was lasting forever and I couldn't take it so I faked an asthma attack
Why did I wake up in bed with the ironing board and a Mariah Carey mask? Vodka hates me
I'm trying to arrange "Flawless" to come on as soon as I get up to leave the room after my thesis defense. Bow down bitches indeed.
Send me a picture of our booze closet. I'm homesick.
I'm drunk and he's still weird.
sometimes i just have a bad day n consider lowering my standards
Memeber that time you got detained in Poland. We don’t talk about that enough
Randomize
