I puked a lego.
like if someone fucked a dictionary but instead of having a penis, it was just one of those leap frog educational toys
I hope to god you are high
you should just get pregnant. that way you don't need to decide on a career.
I woke up in my own vomit, a chunk of cactus in my thigh, shirtless, with jons mom poking at me with a glass of dr pepper and a talk about god....damn alcohol
It tastes like I coughed up blood....hello liver damage, I've been expecting you.
They're drinking Schnapps out of Spaghetti-o's cans. Please come pick me up.
Is it bad that we're talking like nothing happened?
Ah. Blossoming love after wild blackout drunk sex.
I woke up to the sound of a beer can being opened. I love him already
Some guy is walking around the bar with his dick out. Health code violation?
Is your answer to that text seriously a right parenthesis
Two people confessed their love to me last night. Drunk is a good color on me
For future reference. Do not congratulate the bar tender at oscars she is not pregnant she has just gotten fat u will get a shot thrown in your face
Nothing says responsible like taking your birth control with an open bottle of wine you left on your night stand from the night before
My friends say stay away from him but it’s still 2017 so I’m allowed to make shit decisions until midnight hahah
Yeah apparently i called the bartender a "fucking prison warden" after she took my keys and called me a cab
Randomize
