Hey man sorry I got all grabby
oh and i feel obligated to inform you that there will be no sexin' because it's 'lady time' for me. so this ain't a booty call.
worst 3rd wheel sitch ever. i'm crammed into a booth with him and chubs mcgee and his hand is between her legs. thank youuu karma.
He was rambling about life and dignity and happiness. but all i kept thinking was PENIS. YOU HAVE A PENIS. I CAN SHOW YOU WHERE TO PUT THAT PENIS.
Friends dont let friends get hit with a flaming baton without warning
I'll never be able to have sex on these sheets. I'd have to cover up the eyes of every single Elmo.
I woke up this morning to my house being turned into a bad European dance club at 8:30am. Do you know what "UNS UNS UNS" sounds like at 8:30am? Murder. It sounds like murder.
I lost the bet. I now have to do all chores sans clothing of any kind. I give it a week before I'm knocked up...
I was mid hand job and stopped me because he wanted to "connect" which meant putting his thumb in between my eyebrows and a hand over my heart and closing our eyes...
I would rather you cheat on me then you watch this season of Breaking Bad without me.
so in case you needed a ticket for the Hot Mess Express, I'm the conductor now.
I didn't rip your fishnets, WE ripped your fishnets.
I'm sorry I've been mean recently but tbh it really turns me on seeing you cry so it might happen a lot..... You're a pretty crier I don't get it
Pro tip: If you tell him that his dick looks like a muppet then you won't have to see him again.
I called plan parenthood at 407 am... Guess I was thinking ahead
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