i hate having sex with him only a few drinks in. i like it better when i cant remember the gory details.
it hasn't hit me that college is over yet. so far at home, i haven't brushed my teeth, taken off my makeup, or changed clothes before bed.
Job is the problem. Drinking, the solution.
if i wake u up at 5am tmrw by coming into ur room wearing nothing but my indiana jones hat and purple socks while singing 'courtesy of the red white + blue' will u be pleased or annoyed
keep in mind this isn't open to negotiation, i'm just trying to gauge ur reaction
i just had 3 doubles lined up on top of a urinal, texting with one hand and my dick in the other. I an fucking awesome.
brass monkey on radio. cant stop dancing.
Dude my triple a card is good for bail. This is like a real live get out of jail free card
I'm watching people hook up tonight who, when they wake up tomorrow, are going to wish they were blind.
we can be functional adults and still think pizza lunchables are the shit
A man just sang Jennifer Lopez to me out his car window. I am not sure how I feel about this, but it is not positively.
Eating an avocado like an apple while doing shots of fireball and watching finding nemo. I need to get my shit together.
DUDE I FINGERED JOE'S MOM, PLS DONT TELL HIM, MORE LATER
I used the line "you don't have enough pillows". Then left. Thought you should know.
Was picked up in the middle of a bar full of people...apparently I'm not tall enough to reach for drunken makeouts. I'm proud of myself.
I broke my wrist trying to give him a blow job...
And this is why we can’t have nice things
Randomize
