1:57 a.m. Where did you go???
1:58 a.m. What are you doing? I want to go home with you, why aren't you responding?
2:11 a.m. Heading back to your place now, will you let me in?
one day I'm really going to regret not using the boners I got in planes and cars
my ex gf has sooo many hot friends... i feel like im at a grocery store when on her fb... just shopping around.
I've never seen anyone write a check for a bar tab before
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
He asked me if I could call his penis destroyer... Uhh SOS.
I feel like a blind man at a water park. Every step has the potential to be either fatal or lead to accidental, but totally enjoyable, sex.
You screamed 'no, YOU put some pants on' at a cop. I pretended not to know you.
Wake up. We're going shopping for booze and samurai swords.
I just power smoked 3 bongs, ate hot cocoa mix before making hot cocoa, and realized James Spader's character on The Office reminds me of your mom.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I swear she lies about being allergic to gluten so she'll get all the jack and not have to drink shitty beer like the rest of us
I'm having a martini with dinner. A new level of class.
I'm stoned and eating mustard, also a new level of class.
Vodka Vensday. With a Russian accent... It counts.
Check snapchat. Selfie game still on point mid vomit.
Can we make love to the Space Jam soundtrack?
Tinder date just called. I was supposed to be there 30 minutes ago but I'm on a 27 game win streak in Park...?
Fuck that man! Tell her your dog died or something. Reschedule that shit, you can't stop 2K at a time like that. Ball is life bro... Priorities.
Randomize