Dude, I found out the hard way that she wipes back to front. I ate her out and had to throw up.
Hurry up. We're trading phones to prevent drunk texting.
is it bad i banged a 25yr kindergarten teacher last night?
No thats like a top 10
On the couch having a debate with the dog over whether eating anothr sweet roll will make the hangover better or worse
Lesson learned. Never get fingered on an airplane.
He's coming back with me for the week. It took me saying "I don't wanna drive myself home... I'm better as a passenger giving road head" for him to jump at it. Rack another one up for my magical openings.
I made a Wendy's employee say fuck this and quit because I started flipping out due to a baked potato shortage. Of course I had a good night
When I realised he had a girlfriend I just started telling them about my ex and how I write poetry about him. Which I then read to them. They just gave me pity looks and left me to finish my spliff alone.
You know how there are wrinkles in your brain? What if they were filled with potato chips? That's kind of how my head feels now.
My dick was almost in plain McDonald's sight
This is John, I met you downtown last night.
Oh, ok.
This is the cop that kept you out of trouble last night
I'm a college student and my dad gets more ass than I do..... do you see a problem here?
I'm wearing fairy wings and I broke my wizard staff. If this isn't the most happy but sad moment of my life , I don't know what is.
And then I discovered that while drunk last night I called the NAACP and left an angry voicemail demanding they fix the racism at my school
My friends say stay away from him but it’s still 2017 so I’m allowed to make shit decisions until midnight hahah
Randomize
