glad my latex allergy prevents me from being a one-night stand whore
This is how I know I have no life... Jon and Kate are my emotional roller coaster.
she has no idea who harrison ford is.
see that's why i'd never date someone born in the 90s
Hands down the best time I've ever had barfing.
21 Ladies Confess The Grossest Things They Do When No One’s Around
She made a list of the things each of us had done wrong and assigned a point system. Guess who came out the loser?
its always fun the next morning to look around the room and see where all the clothing landed.
I need ur penis! This is not drunk texting, either! This is I need ur penis texting. There IS a difference!
i would think by now you'd realize that my penis does whatever the fuck it wants and i have no control over the situation
I'm sure that's not what the inventers of the Turkey baster had in mind, but that's what I had in mine.
23 Tweets I Thought Were Really Funny When I Was Drunk Yesterday
i can now proudly say that ive peed off of a balcony overlooking the pacific ocean AND a balcony overlooking the atlantic ocean
Brought him brownies before taking his pants off. I'm like the Martha fucking Stewart of booty calls. Walk of shame be damned.
I pulled my bra outta my purse. Covered in honey mustard. I still lack an explanation.
You called me to pick you up from the bar at 9:00. When we drove over the speed bumps you put your hands in the air and pretended you were on a roller coaster.
Best walk of shame ever. Wearing a bright purple onesie, covered in smudged childrens make up, carrying my shoes and 1/4 sac of goon. I swear every house I walked past had an elderly couple watering their garden just to watch me
The cop told me I was the prettiest guy he'd arrested in a while. I'm still not sure if it was a come on or not.