so explain to me why i woke up in jail this morning
because you opened a jar or pickles and a bag of fritos and layed down in the middle of aisle 7 while singing 'la cucaracha'
no more ever clear
Turns out vomit takes off spray tan.
saw a pregnant woman in a bridal gown standing on the side of the road while her car was getting searched by police....cheers to new beginnings
He told me he doesn't dance and he hates drunken excitement. Why I ever thought it would work is beyond me.
He let me keep his flannel as a "good job" for the great head I gave him.
He's dressed as a power ranger handing out cocaine
One day her vagina is just going to shrivel up and seal itself with it's self preservation mechanism
You were visibly distraught that my boyfriend and I didn't have sex in your bed. You forced us to take your condoms.
I just learned how to imitate a trains smokestack. The downside is it makes you look like you ate cocaine. The upside is YOU LOOK LIKE A TRAIN
The beer bottle was sticking out of your zipper and you shook it onto unsuspecting patrons
You are an awesome peach made of glitter.
Don't you hate falling asleep on the couch with a glass of wine in your hand? It's like dreaming about peeing and then realizing you've peed the bed only stickier.
All i remember is looking at the bottle vodka that I was drinking and wondering how it was suddenly empty.
That may have had to do with you chugging it
He lives in a tent in my ex'd backyard. Why the fuck would you want any of that dirty dick?
It may be a corded vibrator from the 90s but it gets the job DONE
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