Okay you totally passed out. Ask me about the bike parking garage and the expired baby formula in the morning.
We've only been driving for two hours and I'm already down 3 vicodin...I'm not going to survive this family vacation.
we did rock-paper-scissors to see who would find out if you had alcohol poisoning
Note to self: don't jizz on a surface cleaned with Tilex. It WILL turn purple.
This Girl Got Ghosted By Her BF Of 5 Years While On A Trip They Took For Her Birthday
i feel as uncomfortable as your camel toe looks.
they pretty much knew i was there to get drunk and fuck their daughter
Please come back. She just stuck her bloody band-aid to Zach's face, has a fire extinguisher, and is talking about tornados hiding.
We passed my parents while I was giving him road head...that awkward
google maps should a have a setting for this. like I AM ABANDONING EVERYTHING TO MEET A GIRL WHO IS 10 HOURS OF MILES AWAY. HOW DO WE DO THIS OPTIMALLY?
People Are Applauding Chrissy Teigen For Getting Candid About Breast-Pumping
You can't just call animal control when you're drunk because there is a bug in the shower.
I plan on having so much gay sex in our house while you gone.
Just sent my cousin to buy me a new bra cause mine is zip tied to a bar in the middle of nowhere Iowa
Yeah and you keep saying "I know how to win America." While running away from us
I can't. I'm going camping this weekend. I do have a life outside of your dick.
Finally finished unpacking shit from school n found a bra with no idea whose it is... I miss college so much it hurts sometimes