ron's 8" boning knife is for sale. oh and it comes with a flavor injector.
High?
hahahahaha turkey breast
He chugged from a bottle of wine and then we had pretend sex
How do you have pretend sex?
It was bad...so it was pretend
I've been deciding between brands of bagels for 20 minutes. This why I doint smoke weed.
Hey cutie is the game almost over? I'm making dinner for us it'll be ready soon. Xox
You would rather make fucking dinner than watch a hockey game that rivals the epic-ness of miracle, the one of the biggest upsets in sport history? Babe I don't know if I can date a girl with such terrible priorities.
basically at this point ill snort whatever you put in front of me and just hope
no, literally. he fb chatted me and said "since you're online i figured we could bang tonight?"
Hate the very realistic pregnancy dreams. Like my dream when I birthed the pirate ships. SO REAL...
well, I was going to forgive her anyway but not because shes my best friend and moreso because shes my drug dealer
I had to put a towel over my laptop because the little power light was too bright. New hangover low.
Dude. It's not even nine. I don't know yet.
Drink number four. Don't even tell me about its not even nine
We got high and watched Winnie the Pooh. Isn't that what every normal person does on their break?
You can fuck right off with that, "If the earthquake isnt bigger than 5.0, we native Californians dont get out of bed." I am from Chicago. I can handle freak flash floods, polar vortexes and tornados. But my bed violently shaking at 6:30 in the morning is cause for some understandable concern.
I'm literally in my bed still trying to find the energy to take my corset off so I can binge eat oreos
He walked upstairs in nothing but his boxers and drunkenly asked my brother for a condom....so much for a good first impression.
there's still a lot i don't remember, like why my iphone's nailed to your wall
Randomize
