Jon just got arrested by the quesadilla police
What?!?
What I actually meant, is I had a quesadilla, and Jon got arrested by the real police
She came over with Guinness cupcakes, a case of Mickeys, wearing an Ireland flag & nothing else.
At what point in my life was I not hugged enough to be on my fourth walk of shame in half as many weeks?
I did, I'm just saying. Once the drinking starts my nipples are no longer my control.
Ok I've processed it. Who the fuck makes out drunk in a parking lot in a backseat with the windows down in the middle of the day?!?!
Aaaaaaand, there's the title of my second book. "One Dick. Six Angles."
Well thank god i want six autographed copies
We've been watching Scooby Doo and having sex for the past 36 hours, so life is great
I'm gonna forget you just shared your personal blowjob aesthetic with me and move on
how I know last night was a good night: this morning I found a bottle of tapatio, a bag of chicken and a bag of popcorn in my purse.
And why in he fuck did I get 'dick' in Romanian tattooed on my forearm
Shut the fuck up! I can hear you having sex over Pirates of the Caribbean you moaning whore.
I didn't realize how hungover I was until I fell asleep in my math lecture, and woke up I'm my history class. How is got there still remains a mystery...
He eats kale on the regular. Do I look like a bitch that wants to eat kale. No. Give me some Boston market.
I woke up with a giant paw print on the side of my face, my jaw hurts, and I have no idea how any of this happened.
I'm like a camel in the desert in a black hole I'm so thirsty.
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