dude you just took shreks wife home. what the fuck is wrong with you
when a bears hungry he eats besides shes got her nipples pierced
She said she didn't have time to shave "there"
Then she shouldn't have had time to order the lobster.
No one showed up yet so I smoked 4:20 on chatroulette with a naked chick..
The last memory I have is vomiting into a box and her rubbing my back saying "you are such a trooper..."
So my ex just cheated on her current bf w/me and now there's a car coming to take me to Vegas... Is this really my Thursday night?
I hate you.
I just had to ask my dad for money to pay for my birth control. I've hit financial rock bottom.
Staying in I think. Boyfriend has domesticated me. I'm making eggs naked right now. Also really high.
Listen up tinkerbell, You're gonna come to the bar, hit on some fat chicks, and step up when I punch someone in the face.
You're tall, so I have high hopes for your dick.
Finals drinking + forgeting you had to take your ambien because you work at 6am mid paper= drunk logic which then entails going on a "detox" run. Puking your guts put in the field house bushes while some random guy says to you "its okay. We're marching on."
there is something very satisfying about getting tacos after hours of sex.
When I come home and take my bra off and I'm served with a perfect grilled cheese along with a glass of wine. Priceless.
It's really life affirming to be at a wedding thinking wow I took your husbands virginity
You mentioned his name and i threw up a little.
They don't really make a "hey I'm fucking your ex wife" card do they ?
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