I shaved my pubes to make my cock look like it has a lions mane. to surprise the girl that works at the zoo when she comes over.
i know, but like... i wanna be a CLASSY i'm-stealing-your-date kind of slutty...
I gambled and lost. Had to pull into a funeral home to clean up with a copy of my resume.
Blow job in a bar bathroom for my Thing 1 while in a onezie dressed up as Thing 2. Best Halloween ever.
I bet the Cat in the Hat never caused mischief like that.
dude totally just got the jungle juice out of my white top. i am really ready to be a trophy wife.
Should study in library more often, procrasturbating is less of an option.
Her face was so far in my boobs, I didn't think she'd make it out. She took it like a man. She's a real trooper.
Ya I guess he's not a bad roommate. I mean if he wasn't here I would probably be more lazy and pee in bottles and stuff.
on todays agenda: meeting with a life coach then going to the dollar store to buy batteries for my vibrator. clearly im still unemployed.
I told my dad my stomach hurt and he bet me ten bucks I couldn't throw up on command. He has no idea what I did last night and I got ten bucks.
There's always a certain something about a day that begins with your panties in your purse.
I'm basically flying you out for a long weekend of sex and going to the zoo
I'm cool with that
I let my daughters ex boyfriend take me home from the bar. Hey, at least he's old enough to drink
I'm at a sex party and there's a guy in an ICP jersey and trip pants. I see now that this is the moment in the movie of my life I recognize I have a problem
Just stalked the girl I hooked up with last night's boyfriend. He seems nice, I approve.
Randomize
