my mom just informed me my dog smells like cum
I'm destined to be knocked up by a sailor
He walked in and put an x made out of tape on the floor. He then announced that he was going to pass out there. Cocky or strategic?
I really don't understand how I cannot figure out how to work a fucking can opener when I'm hungover. Yet I still retained the ability to take a perfectly symmetrical picture of my erect penis and send it to every person in Matt's contacts the night before.
i just realized that the oil change sticker on my windshield is a day before the last time i had sex. I've driven exactly 10500 miles since.
you need to get laid.. and an oil change.
They were going around the house breaking things and screaming "Not my house!"
Dude's from Puerto Rico. Majoring in Spanish is like us majoring in drinking with a minor in watching Forgetting Sarah Marshall.
I pretty much threw up on him while he slept, I had one task today which was to wash the sheets that I threw up on and I turned them pink. I would leave me if I could
We're in the emergency room. He concussed himself trying to pop all the bubbles on my "one bubble a day" wall calender with his face.
He professed his love for me while I danced on a picnic table with a bottle of Absolut. I said thank you and walked away.
His arresting officer when they were busting up the squat party recognized him from the anti-drone protest. He was like Jesus kid, you were sober last time.
We're over by the bouncy castles. I'm the one wearing a baby. Bring Twizzlers.
i had an epiphany while laying on the driveway for 5 hours yesterday.
i realized i waste a lot of time
That was right around the time that the drunken mess pulled out his dick in front of myself and like 10 other people and started peeing all over the train platform while saying, "Sometimes a bear gets you brother. Sometimes a bear gets you."
Pretty standard Thursday night commute for you, no?
Would it be weird if i sent him a "happy fuckiversary" text?
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