I hate ducks.
What?
they're sketch. like squirrels. squirrels are sketch as fuck.
I don't know where I am, but I'm drinkin & I like these people
Santa Claus winked at me two tables over at the Chinese place tonight I was almost afraid he knew "getting laid" was my Christmas wish
Eating doritas dunked in queso con salas. Salllas. Salska. Salsa. Got it. Shhiitt. Salsa con queso. That's better. I'm hot pink socks.
I drunk wandered into my parents bed and slept between them
he climbed up to our party on the 2nd floor balcony and then pulled a glass mug and a beer from his knapsack. these freshmen are intense
He was still there when I ran half naked into my suitemate's room where she was skyping her boyfriend and I started singing I JUST HAD SEEEEX
Youre not supposed to get arrested if your parents fly you home for christmas!
True but this has the bonus of them maybe not wanting to fly me home next year, im good with that didnt wanna go in the first place.
How the fuck does a person bruise an armpit? I swear to god, I get the lamest drunk injuries.
I'm like an air traffic controller of women. It's a very similar job. Well spaced and gentle landings are good. When they meet, it's bad. Explosions bad. Dying screaming burning children bad.
I don't know bro. If a girl makes you cum hard enough that you pull a back muscle, she might be the perfect one to call for a massage on said muscle.
If you ever feel goofy just think of the fact that I just shaved the batman symbol into my pubes
She's the prison bitch to my Martha Stewart.
It was ok until his mom walked in and asked if he turned on the crock-pot...
Sorry you uh had to see that last night. That's the problem with open fields, no privacy...
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