Im so sleepy and hes snoring super loud! i just wanna suffocate him, sleep, and deal with the body when I wake up
Mom found my vibrator. all the said was 'wow, I've never seen one like this before.'
we don't live in the stone age anymore, mom
I woke up with the wrong plaid-shirted guy in my bed.
CANT TOUCH THIS JUST CAME ON MY IPOD. LOVE STEVE JOBS
So are you still down for me to come stay with you and just have sex on vicodin all weekend?
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You'll have to pretend I'm texting you with buddychecks.
Like the Jimeny Cricket of cockblocks.
I can't believe you picked a finger in the ass over lunch with me.
I'm an approx 70% certain someone switched my UV Blue for Windex - just as volatile as you might think.
This doesn't mean I'm going to attempt to find happiness with smooshy dick
She said she wanted you to slurp her vagina like a spaghetti noodle.
moral of the story: if your going to mix ambien and free skyclub alcohol, take a direct flight or have a layover in a city you wouldn't mind having to return to for a court date.
I bet you there is porn for people who get off on someone rubbing Chipotle on themselves
I just had a visual of u banging and screaming at him at the same time.
I love how fuckboys immediately become cultured when I tell them I’m an artist.
my mom tells me this morning that i was blasting teach me how to dougie at 2 am last night and refused to leave her room until she dougied with me
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