Houston.. we have a drinking problem..
My drunk dialing habit needs to go. My drunk habit can stay though.
Police were just in my backyard to recover a loaded .38. What the fuck?????
I'm cleaning the house. And I can't stop listening to Enrique Iglesias. Am I gay?
I even have the new album if that helps you make a decision.
he actually used the line "do you have a map, because i'm lost in your eyes" and i was to drunk to care
any plan I had today of being a productive member of society, I am officially throwing out the window.
you refused to leave the drive-thru at mcdonalds until the cashier took a jello shot
First funeral I've ever been to where the cops had to come.
Anderson Cooper just came out.
Crying tears of glitter and rainbows right now. Gonna decorate my dildo like My Little Pony in his honor.
We were escorted through the guys dorm by 5 kids with nerf guns and zelda shields. I felt like the president with a fucked up secret service squad.
Played never have I ever with high schoolers today. Needless to say they brought up threesomes so I had to make a judgement call and decided to not put my finger down
His mom let me come to his house for a Booty call at 4am. She even cooked us breakfast in the morning and told me im a better moaner than his girlfriend of 4yrs.
Umm my dog ate your vibrator. Sorry 😬
It's OK, I woke up in a drag queen's bed last weekend. It took me forever to get the glitter out of my cleavage.
My roommate has a sixth sense about my jerking off and walks in EVERY. SINGLE. TIME.
Randomize
