upper decked the toilet at the restaurant that wouldn't let me pee there yesterday
I'm a gentlemen, chivalry is what i do, i'll open the door, pull out your chair, buy your drinks, i'll even go down first, but when it comes to mario kart, i draw the line. I'm sorry but i just can't let you beat me at mario kart
I just got wrote up for "repeatedly smelling like alcohol"
That was long passed due.
I love family holidays its the only time when playing beer pong, and smoking hookah with my family isnt looked down upon
I just realized I'm gonna get paid at midnight on New Years Eve. That could be dangerous.
She begged me for sex again. I felt like I was telling a homeless person I didn't have any change.
No one actually likes Tequila. They just accept it as a fact of life. Like hpv.
should my penis look like a turkey
I just want to do a slip-and-slide into a giant pool of jello shots right now.
I was walking around outside with a basket of eggs. I feel like little house on the prairie: hungover edition.
I just woke up in his house on his bathroom floor with an IV in my arm.
Mike found the condom wrapper on the washing machine and looked at me and said "Magnum? NICE girl. Get that nut!" then proceeded to puke in a cup
Great. I will show up in your office wearing only oven mitts later today.
I'm shopping for Mother's Day cards while waiting for my herpes medication. What is life.
Knowing how to carefully mix my vices has to be the #1 skill I've gotten from pharmacy school
Randomize
