yes i saw that this morning. it was my mailbox.
Just did a line with a monopoly bill. Tell me I'm not fancy.
You tried to call the hospital and left a voicemail asking if you could be put on the liver transplant list as a "pre-caution"
we were watching porn and trying to copy the position they were doing now i think my hip is dislocated
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i just farted in the library and heard some girl yell it was sulfur gas. can. not. move.
He like walks around to open car doors for me. Has already held my hair while I barf and still likes me. What. Is. Happening.
I love that your last three texts to me were "Drunk." "Getting laid." "In the hospital."
getting up at 8am to start drinking seemed like a much better idea before I had to wake up at 8am
So for future reference.... it's a little unnerving when I can't get hold of you, and the last communication we had was, "Oh fuck... It's tequila"
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Hey your work video crashed my computer. The 8 pornos running in the other window didn't. Congratulations.
I'm sorry I didn't get you anything for your birthday
It's just you didn't get me the fucking bear suit last year
According to the arrest report, I shouted "no, YOU put some pants on" at the cop. Downhill from there.
You know when your cat drags a dead bird into the the house as a present and drops it at your feet looking all pleased because it thinks you'll be pleased? That's what sex with him was like.
You threw him in the dryer?
He went in of his own accord. Mumbled something about experiencing the blossoming of popcorn.
You showed up at 4 am holding a beer and wearing a wig you apparently found in the dumpster.
That explains some things...
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