My phone has seen less use in the last three days than Tom Brady's condoms.
The trick is to not slur when purchasing the condoms at 3am
I love memorial day. It's drinking in the name of patriotism. God Bless America
I woke up naked on the bathroom floor. the tile grout marks on my boobs hurt, i mananged to use a roll toilet paper as a pillow. never again. did we eat salad?
Shes been standing with her arms crossed in front of the mirror for 45 minutes...she told me she's "getting sober"
i just peed with my friends in your backyard... do you still live here
I just woke up to three voicemails from you. In the first one you just straight laughed for 3 minutes. In the second you did bird calls. In the third you were hysterically crying. Have fun last night?
Oh shut up man. Once the police get involved its every man for themself.
And by defning the relationship I mean telling him I'm gonna fuck other people but its cool If he does the same.
At what point did you realize I was getting blown under the table during our dominos game?
It probably would have happened but I just can't picture myself losing my virginity while laying on top of his Quiksilver duvet set.
What's an appropriate outfit for wearing to hangout with a girl you've talked to once, and had a 4way with?
Something like, "Merry Christmas. I hope Santa shits in your mouth."?
i'm in a very strange mood rn i'm listening to bruno mars??? am i ok????
He is married, and has a regrettably large penis. I need to find another one right away to get myself out of this mess.
How big does a penis have to be before it becomes regrettably so?
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