she asked me if I wanted a handjob on the haunted mansion ride at Disney. was I suposed to say no?
I just farted for five sidewalk sections! New personal best.
not my fault. i got her to believe he wrote an oasis song. he still managed to find a way to make sure no girl ever gets near his penis.
my mom just used "raw dog" in a sentence correctly, time to move out.
Get the fuck buddy a birthday present or not? He def deserves one, but how do I explain the debit card charge to my husband?
I think im gonna have to stop sexting on the metra. The middle aged businessman behind me just leaned over and whispered 'dirty girl' and highfived his seatmate.
he actually said the words "do you want to pet the lizard?" with a straight face as he unzipped his pants
After giving a back rub to someone in the bathroom of the theater, he ripped an "employees must wash hands" sign off the wall to prove that he could and proceeded to hang it up in his house.
Sometimes while peeing I'll go hands free, put my arms up by my chest and make claw hands, and pretend I'm a new type of dinosaur called Dickosaurus Rex.
The hair on my legs is officially flapping in the breeze when I walk. I must say, being single does have perks and this is one of them.
I gave him head while despicable me 2 played in the background. I think I disappointed the minions
Eaten today: granola bar, pumpkin donut, and fritos. Oh, college nutrition.
He was referring to me as "Teenage Dream" the whole night
Just made a drug contact standing in the sandwich line in the dining hall. Is this real life?
You're my fucking hero.
don't take offense to this but at the strip club tonight I legit believed one girl was you. almost hopped on stage and freaked out at you. you're a beauty.
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