Can't talk. I'm at the Tulsa Sheriff's office with a bunch of rednecks. I bet I'm the only one that voted for Obama.
I bet you're the only one who could read the ballott.
Just discovered Kim Possible porn. Life is now complete.
The lady at the touchless car wash just gave me the look of death. How do I say, "sorry it's not my puke" in Spanish?
I don't remember him, but he's saved in my phone as "uh oh zbt"
Any idea who the guy in my bed tagged as rattlesnake dick might be?
you dragged me by my throat over to the shots. this is a new level of alcoholism..
You were Q-tipping mashed potatoes out of your ear.
She went home with him because he works at Jimmy John's and his car "smelled like meat"
It's "your husband had his mouth on my vagina" awkward.
OMG CHARGE YOUR PHONE I NEED TO KNOW IF THIS IS A GOOD PICTURE OF MY ASS
Remember that girl that we found passed out in the dorm study room under a pile of money and jimmy johns wrappers? She's standing right on front of me.
He sent me a picture of a gas station condom and said "we probably shouldn't use this but if I was to impregnate someone on accident I'd want it to be you"
Bruh why you gotta judge
You're awake at 3:30 in the morning RSVPing to a musical, I'm well within my means
Pretty sure that I just proved those labels that say "non-flammable" wrong. totally unrelated, We just made your futon fly with a shitload of fireworks
So I'm buying milk, bread, yogurt & lube. Not awkward at all
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