He is drunkenly eating my teddy grahms and making little growling noises as he bites the head off of each one.
Well he's in a two year college so technically hes a senior. At least can we just pretend I'm not robbing the cradle.
I want a picture of impoverished children wearing Oregon national champions shirts.
Yes, I feel sorry for the tribe that gets those. They won't be able to hide from the lions.
In all fairness I did warn the guy I just spray tanned before we had sex so I hold no responsibility for the bronzer all over his sheets
Boats looked like robot pelicans and time was slow and now im on wipe out
I want to preface this by saying nothing happened, nothing is on fire. It is mere speculation. Do we have a fire extinguisher?
When do you sleep by the way. I was surprised when I went to work at 1 am,left at 7 am and had a text from you somewhere in between
I just vodka nap now...
sorry for pouring tequila vodka and whiskey down your throat and left you to sleep on a table
I would date him. For 1 month. Just so I could say I was a trap queen for 1 month.
You're wearing pigtails and giving away our kitchen appliances. Clearly, you're drunk.
Omg cinnamon bun Oreos. Thanks weed
I guess I asked for the two old strippers numbers at the end of the bar and it turned out to be the bartenders mom and aunt...
We've been fucking like crazy ever since she quit her job..ive been running errands all day to stay out of the house and give my dick a day of rest
I hate my life now
So adding to the list of things my boobs can do, sweeping with a broom is apparently a thing.
We need to stop calling him that. I definitely said “Fuck me harder Swizzle Dick“ while we were doing it and it got weird
He should appreciate that I recommend that corkscrew cock of his! I’m getting him laid
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