...i apologize for hitting you up so much tonight im just kinda in a little pickle. im going to sleep in my car near u so pretty plz lmk if you head home...
if one more of _____'s family tells me "you're next" i'm going to shoot myself. Thank god for gin (most protestant phrase ever at the most Jewish wedding ever)
Ask for a julep and start talking about how you much prefer the uncircumsized peen. that should probably stop them.
i wanted a birthday blowjob. not a birthday VD.
I woke up and went to my kitchen naked and decided I wanted a fruit cup. Ate said fruit cup. Look over and notice my male neighbor is staring at me
Life lesson. Learning to pee left handed is easier than learning brickbreaker left handed. Rather lose a few drops than a few lives
no dont talk to me..because of you my bar tab was more expensive than my hospital bill
how should i feel about a person who brings a box of eggo waffles on the plane as a carry on?
she was puking red wine out the car window, telling me about how shes joining weight watchers tomorrow, not okay.
Come on. I'll make you hot pockets. Literally and sexually.
Saw you fall down on Jefferson and a cop drove by and shook his head. How you didnt get arrested after the party you went to on saturday is beyond me.
That's totally the Emoji for "just ran into some girl who knows I know she had an abortion"
Awk. Hanging with her while messaging her ex about sex injuries he gave me
I have a black eye again and dont know why again
For whatever reason, whenever she's drunk off Crown, all she wants to do is jerk me off with her feet.
We havent had power for three days. What else is there to do besides drink and fuck? I thought that was obvious.
Randomize
