i woke up this morning in my bathroom,naked, with my boxers around my face and puke and shit on the floor and wondering why i didn't have a toenail on my one big toe.
compared to you, a hobo is quite responsible.
Just got a orange juice for my grandma, put gin in it without thinking. She's having a good morning.
do you think my med school application would be worse off if "I like helping others and shit" slipped into an essay I emailed last night?
she sounds like chewbacca in bed
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She had been watching Bad Girls Club where the annoying girl always says "I RUN L.A.". After she got wasted she kept going up to strangers at the bar yelling "I RUN FAYETTEVILLE." I peed in her drink.
sitting in my room in a shopping cart. they couldnt get my legs out of the holes. i want breakfast.
Doctor just prescribed me 20mg Ritalin 3 times a day. It's becoming the "grain and oats" section of my food triangle.
No, but its not like diarrhea. i swear its like my intestines had a secret bank account and i just punched in the right pin.
But seriously I don't know. I haven't seen her since I gave her back her 3 blind mice stick, and she just started hitting everybody with it.
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I was in the bathroom and I heard a phone ding inside one of the stalls. I really wanted to say, nature is calling, but I was still in my work uniform
Dude, I work in two hours. Unless you can find Chris Hemsworth and convince him to have a three-way with us, I'm not getting out of bed.
I literally just ordered a gold medal online that is engraved with his name, "01.01.16", and "BEST SEX EVER"
As a rule...I don't sleep with my friends or watch movies with talking dogs
I am a bad person
You slept with him. Was it good?
I wasnt going to but I was too lazy to blow up the air mattress
You don't know happiness until you've got to smoke weed inside taco bell and then eat all you want for free
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