I wannas sexs uuuuu
if your phone is working sorry i called you at 2am. if it is not then i never called your phone at 2am
I think I took your hangover as a birthday present
Ed hardy makes air fresheners now. Now even the air can be a douchebag.
From now on, just let me go home. I'm tired of hooking up with your roommates... Including you.
gpnpr hd vmdd nm the ggrl whm was mn my lar
I need you to use more vowels.
Probably shouldn't have worn my jeans covered in blood from last night to class.
So the doctor told me that I am starting to showing the early signs of liver cirrhosis. Thank you Jack Daniels for making the first 26 years of my life awesome.
Dude I really need to stop drinking. I chugged a whole bottle of ketchup last night.
The sense of comroderie I've built with my liver over the course of this semester is beautiful
Do not tell me that that is not the face of a man who has sex with goats.
I'm gonna tie him up and fart in that pathetic excuse for a mustache
God loves me. So high, craving Jimmy Johns chips, looked down, unopened bag in front of me. Still doesn't feel real
You have to sext the same way you right a resume, you can only use active verbs
Apparently the cops had to handcuff me in order to get me to come with to the hospital with them. They asked me if I had had any experience with handcuffs before and I replied, "Only in bed." What a life
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