as evidence of my kitchen this morning my night involved alot of mustard and condoms
We started making out, then he decided to get naked, put on a condom, and proceed to dry hump my leg, sweat pants and all, until he blew his load. I thought this was college. I immediatly left claiming I can't sleep in other people's rooms. He didn't even bother taking off my hoodie.
Mike and I just ate the lobster we found in the toilet
Do you think the party boat will still go out if there is a hurricane?
koolaid chicken. i marinated it for 2 hours and roasted it on a rock in a fire. it was bright blue and raw. but that shit was tasty
I'm convinced that college is the only place where one can have an existential crisis over what sweatpants to wear
This tiny cat is tiny breathing with her tiny lungs and im having a tiny freak out. Like those lungs have to be super tiny.
If me getting shot doesn't get me pussy I am officially gay
i think i need to institute a "if your dick has been in my mouth this year i get a xmas present" policy
I can always see lesbian subplot. It's my hero ability.
Did you send me a snapchat of your sister triple kissing two other girls?!!! You might be the greatest friend the world ever made
Inebriation Olympics: Team Drunk vs Team Stoned. This weekend. It's on.
I spent last night dying strippers pubes green and landscaping shamrocks. That is why hands look like I squashed a leprechaun.
You had sex with him AND his man bun. Like not just him but also the bun.
The weekend was a blur. There was vodka and penises and orgasms. I played a game of Cock Roulette and won big
Randomize
