I think I tried picking up these girls last night by asking them what their favorite color was...I obviously woke up alone
I just mistook a monk for someone with the newest colored snuggie.
i really appreciated the lovely drunk rendition of whitney houstan's "i wanna dance with somebody" you left on my voicemail.
I'm pretty sure I just had a convo with my hot pockets about how they weren't good enough for the oven.
I think my sister is getting tired of me breaking into her house so I can sleep with random girls when shes not there
she didnt realize that i was putting on the same condom i used the night before with some other girl
You kept yelling in my face " YOU'RE GONNA HAVE TO SUCK A DICK TONIGHT!"
But I wanna cuddle and just put my hand awkwardly close to your penis area by accident and look at you
Oh my god did you actually lose a tooth
You have no idea the kind of bodily contortions I had to do to access your neighbor's WIFI
let’s be honest I’d fucking Irish step dance on your grave, asshole
oh. oh my god. i just had lunch with my mom with semen still on my face.
This is what we get for finishing a whole box of Franzia by ourselves
I've needed to start drinking protein shakes to keep up with her. It's like my dick just started doing crossfit.
You know it was a good night when you wake up w/o a shirt in someone elses living room next to a pancake on a spoon in a bowl of spaghetti.
Randomize
