I just realized that all of my cardio comes from dancing on tables.
The more I throw up, the more I am remembering exactly what I drank last night...in order.
it was only during my walk of shame that i realized i was wearing the exact same outfit that julia roberts wears on the dvd cover or pretty woman. prostitution is my destiny.
my mom told me that she didn't count me in the census because im a waste of life anyway.
Just got done fucking the squirter chick. She came when we were in a 69. I now know what it's like to be water boarded.
The president of the frat said he was honored to award me "Best Overall Blow Jobs", free admission to all their future parties, and a $20 gift certificate to Denny's. I'm not sure if I feel proud or if that's just the burrito coming back up...
Also, what are the symptoms of syphilis?
I cried at the bouncer while saying I wished he was my father... They had no idea what to do with me.
.As long as you're some how patriotic with your sexual escapades, I can support it.
thanks again for a nice night (and please don't fuck my boss)
Never go with a hippy to a second location. I fucking hate Xanax.
I want to tell you your future: you're going to be having sex
I found dried jizz from last night on my leg while feeding an infant a bottle. I am not fit to care for children
Woke up in a hotel room with some random guy then walked over a mile to the bus stop where I laid down and waited on the bus. GREAT NIGHT
Do you want to get naked and order pizza with me
You were just laying there on the air mattress watching spongebob with a knife. We tried to take it from you, but you insisted it was your emergency escape in case you started to float off.
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