Hey sorry for feelin' up your date. Sadly, this is a mass txt.
we're getting ready to take strippers to breakfast. I love my life.
he passed out on the stove with a cup in his hand. yes the pictures are hilarious
you were watching the nanny crying, saying I wish I was that thin eating twinkies. THAT DRUNK.
Friends bring friends secret work margaritas. my pink water bottle is in the cupboard
and let me tell you something, handcuffs are surprisingly uncomfortable when they arent being used in a sexual manner
I need to stop going to bars and yelling "I could be teaching your kids one day, bitches!"
Every time I walk onto campus my Saint Patrick's day scar starts to throb. I'm like a drunken accident prone Harry Potter
we found him passed out on the baseball field with two 40oz and wearing a tophat.
Where did he get the tophat?
I'm using my dog as a pillow. He's cool with it.
fucked a girl in the dry storage closet at work. knocked over a whole rack of tomato paste and pinto beans. and also i really hope my manager doesn't review this footage from the security camera
If my birthday doesn't end with my panties hanging from a ceiling fan, I'm holding you responsible.
This is worse than naked and afraid. This is drunk and confused.
i dunno, a lot of my childhood feels like a drugged up fever dream
I need an outfit that says "thanks for hiring me" but also says "i want dick in my mouth".
Randomize
