wow, so sex, not that great its like masturbating with a warm towelette, like the kind you get at a japanese restaurant
You threw up in a Dixie cup last night. Oddly, you just gained major points in my book for that.
we talked for like an hour, i feel like we really bonded. i mean i was simultaneously giving him head but you get the point.
He just said "fuck you" to the bowl he's eating things out of
Just Everbombed a Guiness to make up for cutting out early last night. Also the Mars probe. Happy birthday motherfucker!
If we order a pizza and I contribute 9 cents, is that fair?
Dear awkwardly drunk roommate, thanks for stuffing enough change in my clevage that I could afford a pepsi at work today. Sincerely awesome roommate that put up with your drunk ass
I love spring semester, so many high school girls visiting that think I'm the sexiest man alive just because I'm in college
Aren't you gay?
IT'S NICE TO FEEL WANTED DON'T RUIN THIS FOR ME
I'm in a dress, surrounded by Republicans, and the bartender just told me he's "out of Jack Daniels" in a very accusatory tone. Shit, is it only 8 PM?
I'm so hungover I can't taste anything
tinder day one and i already had more guys message me about "the girl with the big tits in my second picture" than about me. MY 17 YEAR OLD SISTER CAN GET LAID WITHOUT EVEN HAVING TO MAKING A PROFILE
to be fair she does have a great rack
Sorry I crashed a riding mower into your garage door. No hard feelings??
There's a fly in my room repeatedly throwing itself at my window, and I feel it's really symbolic of what I want to do with my future
he told me his feelings for me AFTER sex, so that means he meant it right?
Also I've decided to start stealing shot glasses after I do the shots. You in?
Randomize
