Most awkward thing ever just happened. I was reaching in my purse to get something and a condom fell out into the woman's lap next to me. At least she knows I'm safe.
Things to remember: Girls don't appreciate it when you yell "Beast Mode!" when switching to doggy style.
his internet history is a lot of porn, how to make a hovercraft and side-effects of jacking off too much
Sooo, drunk me had the sense of mind to write down everything that happened last night.....I bet you thought you'd get away with what you did to my parrot.
you passed out when you kept trying to hold your breath during the underwater scenes of 2012
We were playing flip cup on the nice dining room table. Losing team had to shamwow the table in between rounds
My getting drunk and marrying a stranger in Vegas final court annulment papers just came in the mail... I might frame that shit
Don't bother coming over to clean the mess. I already paid two kids 5 bucks for it, just didn't tell them you peed all over the place. You do owe me 5 bucks though
I caught them hiding behind a car trying to have sex.
I wish I could but I can't. No beer pong or sex on a hammock...such an unproductive weekend
hope your day is as exciting as mine- one of our trauma patients just stole an ambulance out of our bay... WITH AN EMT STILL IN IT.
I know what you meant. If you want babies in time for your birthday, we gonna need either a time machine or a ski mask.
THIS IS NOT A DECISION I MADE AT ONE IN THE MORNING IM JUST GETTING AROUND TO TELLING YOU ABOUT IT NOW
Just cried to my husband about how much I'm going to miss my boyfriend... Maybe marriage is going to work for me after all
I cannot take an uber back in my costume...can you please come get me?
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