I can't sleep so instead I'm thinking of all the things I would love to do to you right now
That's weird, I usually just count sheep
i just caught my roommate coming out of the bathroom half naked with a surge protector. he told me he didn't wanna talk about it.
So I went to have a snack...can you please tell me why there's a condom in the hummus?
I remember asking you "need some dick tonite?"
Yeah I guess to me frat party equals penis party. oh the wonders of vodka.
I passed out in the VIP room and she charged me for 17 songs until I woke up, theres a bouncer asking me for $700, fuck tequila
Some are given great drunkenness. Others have great drunkenness thrust upon them, in the form of ice storms.
There's a knife in my toilet. And I meant to ask you last night if you got a hair cut?
Trick or treaters just rang our doorbell
Give them the moldy beer cans, we need to get rid of those
stop calling me dude. finger blasting me officially kills you being able to call me dude.
Matt. This is the manager of qdoba. Pick up the phone. Your friend needs you.
I was thinking that, but I'm not sure the proper etiquette on asking about someone's nipple rings. Even if you did see them and compliment them once.
It was technically 11... But I go by McDonald's time, if they aren't servin breakfast, it's the afternoon. Therefore I can drink
You know you had a good night when your wearing you best friends pants to work the next day
My mom just asked me if I knew what Buzzfeed was. Then said she's watching the second Magic Mike for the bodies. Please help.
Fun fact: deep throating plus dehydration plus eating a lot of citrus = my throat is fucked. Metaphorically and physically.
Randomize
