I have been standing totally still for the past 6 minutes because I was convinced my foot was tied to the ground. It turns out it was a string of hair strewn across my foot
There was a fucking SNAKE in the urinal. WHAT THE FUCK
I'm deep cleaning my room right now. Not sure if it actually needs it or if I'm just trying to symbolically cleanse myself of the last 24 hours.
Lots of alcohol last night skiing this morning = me throwing up off chairlift
As far as drugs go, alcohol has all the elegance and precision of hitting yourself in the head with a hammer.
I feel like just to watch it, I need to be high. To understand it, I'd need enough drugs to kill an elephant.
one renamed every person in my phone 'I lpvw tewqils', so it would really help me out if you could text me your name. Happy sunday!
But I got head on a boat yesterday which was sweet until a bald eagle flew over. Then it became life affirming.
Wall of shame with a backpack full of beer bottles, cowboy hat in hand, and a handlebar mustache. I was applauded by a passing car
Being in nursing school really pays off when your dealer tries to pass off naproxen as Percocet. Like I may have made a C in pharm but I aced the pain drug test
The thing about being single is like Sunday morning sex is nice but so is Sunday morning eating Nutella from the jar in your underwear
Woke up in a fanny pack with a bag of cocaine on my cheek
My husband found the cock ring I bought my FWB. I told him it was napkin holder and he believed me. And that’s why I need a side dick
How you run into a glAss door three times in a row I do not know
I’m inviting a few of my favorite manwhores to a pool party. Bring booze and wear your banana hammock so Amy can see what I’m always talking about
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