I'm putting on too much make up bc I'm stoned
And Anthony pissed on himself at the strip club
I bet you think you're really funny for switching my line of coke with a line of protein powder.
We removed her tutu and her cape, so there's no risk of her strangling herself.
incase your class ends early, there are three naked guys in our room. but don't get too excited, they're all gay.
I don't know where Tiffany is but I just saw her shoes in the bar lost and found
If I interpreted our horoscopes correctly...you should be coming home with an 8 ball. Just saying.
she puked ON me while she was on top, worst holiday hookup ever
Good news. I heard back from the doctor and I don't have a liver problem.
...yet.
Best walk of shame ever. Wearing a bright purple onesie, covered in smudged childrens make up, carrying my shoes and 1/4 sac of goon. I swear every house I walked past had an elderly couple watering their garden just to watch me
Easter was a success. We had an egg hunt and hid weed and conforms inside them. Cooked a ham, made some jello, got wasted. THIS is adulthood?!
I'm not a whore anymore. I gave up 90% of my women for you. I'm a 4-5 woman kind of guy now.
This may be the alcohol talking, but I'm pretty sure I know Spanish now
Today's hangover is brought to us by Sailor Jerry's and your dedication to my alcoholism.
Between his smile and monumental dick even the virgin mary woulda blown that man and I am far from the virgin. I didn't stand a chance.
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