can't come. weird drunk guy passed out on couch. long story, tell u later.
wtf. wake him up, call him a cab, get over here!
i just want to make sure he doesn't die. or rob me. plus it's facinating, he's faceplant on the arm of my sofa.
my facebook friend requests are always from girls of boyfriends i have fucked, facebook is the worst reminder of shame
my grand plan for the evening is to do shots of vodka til i cant anymore
What do you think that old couple was thinking when they saw me puking in the QT parking lot at ten in the morning?
Your sister thinks she pees out of her clit. Did you have Sex Ed or Sunday School growing up?
I'm gonna put my relationship status as "widowed" to see if it helps me get some poon.
TRUE LIFE: my roommate is growing a bush.
better yet, TRUE LIFE: my roommates boyfriend begged her to grow a bush.
I woke up at 5 this morning face down on my bed with gummy bears stuffed in my leggings. Yeah.
She just asked me if her C-section scar turned me on.
at least he lost his v-card with a bang... or should i say the clap.
My brother just woke up to see me on te couch dipping hamburger buns into pizza sauce. I'm beginning to question the life choices that led to this moment.
you know, this Evan Williams whiskey isn't so bad when it's watered down a bit and you're home by yourself on a Saturday listening to Snoop Dog alone in your apartment without pants or any plans for your future...
Yes I slept with him, he was the only one not wearing a costume. Guys with costumes are just trying to impress you.
she came into my car to rip lines with our blow dealer as I was writing my essay on anti drug policy, i call it on site research
How are you and your magical vagina doing today?
Randomize
