If a woman tells you she has been pink socked...don't move forward with her.
Yea. The knew something was up when i told them i had to go pick up goat milk and and and a roasted chicken at 2 am
just peed in the tub, threw it on Megan.. she threw more back, I got out and threw toilet water on her.. forecast for tomorrow? pink eye.
First shot of my 21st. 11 a.m. in econ class. Success.
My mom is pretending to be Paula Deen while making breakfast...I'm pretty sure she's sober.
this study room smells like vodka
the study room thinks the same about you
They're like penises that have been put in a blender.
apparently my insurance doesn't cover road head. Bummer.
Went home drunk last night and peed on my Christmas tree, my mothers going to fucking kill me
The cleaning lady has a form she makes me sign every time she finds me passed out in my office so she can keep track of how much to charge me each month for keeping quiet about it.
As I came the Sportcenter app played that "dah nuh nuh" chime. Top ten life highlight?
Heeyy... sorry I got so drunk. You probably don't ever want to see me again. Thank you for dealing with me when I tried to jump over the deli counter for some mayonnaise.
My mom found your leather pants in our guest room. She doesn't want to know why they are there, she just wants to know if you want them washed.
He’s actually a personal trainer. He said he hasn’t taught yoga in a while but the stripper prefers to introduce him as a yoga teacher
i couldn't be more explicit if i hit him upside the head with a dildo
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